I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
