grandma shit on top of the toilet
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
