Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
