i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Randomize
