She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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