Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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