Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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