honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
