I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
i believe in u and ur pee
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
