I think my vagina is haunted
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
