if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize