the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
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