I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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