I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Are we still banned from the library?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
