remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
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