My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Dicks are not precious.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
