So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
