No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
We need to get me chipped asap
Randomize
