I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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