Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
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