I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
