Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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