best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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