I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Randomize
