Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
