she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Randomize
