1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
