Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
