Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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