I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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