Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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