none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
