as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
