Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Randomize