How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
