I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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