I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
