I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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