apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Randomize
