To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
