The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
