you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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