I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
