if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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