I think scott just propositioned me for sex
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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