he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
