Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
