she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
