i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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