That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Randomize
