3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Randomize