like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I think my vagina is haunted
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
