I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
