I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
