I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
last night I used snow as a chaser
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
