Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
