and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
