I hate all girls vehemently.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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