It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
