the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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