I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
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