It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
