I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
