If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
