Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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