God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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