You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
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