your parents love me but you hate me
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize