there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
