apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
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