Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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