R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
