He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
