i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
