I wish I could punch you in the face.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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